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19 July 2008 @ 10:20 am
everything is so fucking perfect on the outside.

but I cry myself to sleep when I'm alone in bed. I bite myself until I bruise. I walk close to walls with staples jutting out of them, in hopes of someone bumping into me. this self-loathing has always been there. this eating disorder is just another manifestation of it. no matter how good things are, there's just this underlying misery. I don't want to die yet, but I just want to hurt. I want to repent for all the shit I've done.

I want to break up with him. I want to be free again. I'm suffocating, but it's not his fault. it's just how I am. I don't want to hurt him, but it's killing me to stay with him. I just want to be free. I don't want to love. I want to go back to my spinster plan.

my food is rotting in the fridge. I've moved my scale into the kitchen. I am afraid of everything now. I don't binge anymore, but I still purge at least once a week. I gained 10 pounds while with him this past school year. I've lost 5 pounds within the last couple days. I don't want him to come back.
10 March 2008 @ 04:35 pm
it's got its laughs.

burning your fingers and the roof of your mouth while trying to wolf down 3 Lean Pockets.
dancing and prancing to the toilet in order to mix everything up.
looking for that piece of chocolate you ate while waiting for the microwave to hurry the fuck up.
putting your glasses back on afterwards to make sure you've cleaned up every fleck of puke.
scrunching your nose up when you get a whiff of your puke hand even after you've washed it.
swearing that you cleaned up everything but still smelling puke on yourself.
being able to function again.

it's really just a coping mechanism now. I don't do it for the taste of things. I do it because it feels right afterwards, like a burden has been lifted. I'm not doing it twice a day like before, maybe once every two weeks now. and it only happens because of the build up. I get so anxious. it's such a rush. it makes me feel fine.

but. oh wait.
throwing up your food isn't normal or fine, idiot.
13 January 2008 @ 07:00 pm
I've seen 120 and it isn't enough. I need to go lower.

I was doing really well up until last night. I hadn't purged for ALMOST a week, but then my boyfriend had a little party and I ended up eating A LOT of chips and bean/guacamole/cheese dip, and half a burger. I was going to keep it down, but it just felt so god damn uncomfortable, and it was creeping up by itself without me shoving my fingers down my throat. I ended up making up some excuse to go home while he went to drop his friend off and puking. most of it was digested and acidic at this point. I weighed in at 122.8 pounds this morning. I was doing so well.

I bought a scale. it will be the end of me.
03 January 2008 @ 10:46 pm
I was eating some dried persimmons and afterwards, my dad told me that they were kind of moldy. I don't think the ones I ate were that moldy, but probably still pretty fucked up, just not showing it. I kind of got excited by the potential food poisoning/diarrhea that would lead to auto-weight loss... and I still am. :D
24 December 2007 @ 08:11 am
way to fucking go.
I purged THREE times on Friday and once Saturday morning.
I'm panicking right now because I've eaten ~1000 cal for breakfast today. I'm getting moody and snarky. I'll feel a lot better if I don't eat anything else today.

fuck it. I'm going to go puke.
20 December 2007 @ 10:28 am
my boyfriend's apartment is getting fumigated over winter break, so he had to store all of his food at my place. and my apartment manager gave me a box of truffles and spiced cakes for Christmas. I tried to hide everything in the cabinets for toilet paper and whatnot...

needless to say, I ate half of those big bags of Goldfishes [the shiny bags that come in the boxes], seven rice krispies treats, and three spiced cakes [which tasted like ass] within an hour after he left. and puked my head off.
then the next day, I had dinner and movie night with my friend. I made salmon with gnocchi, which was probably a reasonable 200 calories. but he was still hungry, so I ended up cooking off another huge batch of gnocchi that we just dipped in sauce, and then for MOVIE SNACKS!!! I ended up eating half the box of truffles, two microwave bags of popcorn, leftover Halloween chocolate, and more rice krispies treats. I ended up feigning sleepiness at 8PM and politely kicked him out so that I could purge. then I put the truffles back in their box and stomped on them before flooding them with water.
I also flipped out and chewed&spat a whole package of rice cakes last night.

fucking shit. keep food away from me. lol.

I went to the gym yesterday and restricted down to ~600 cal. I'm 121 today. I think I might be able to go home tomorrow, seeing as how everything that I would binge on is still sealed, and I only get to have an apple, egg white, and carrot&celery soup for the rest of today. then I'll probably barely eat tomorrow since I can't stand being on a plane with a full stomach.

grades came in, and I'm glad I did well, otherwise it would've been another binge&purgefest.

next quarter is going to be pretty awesome. I'll be busier than ever, and I planned out what I'm going to eat... because I'm really at a loss when I don't.

plan that takes up too much space so I'm cutting itCollapse )
12 December 2007 @ 12:41 pm
I won't go home until I'm <120 lbs.

Height: 5'5"
CW: 122
LW: 128
HW: 155
08 December 2007 @ 03:51 pm
I was about to binge like a madwoman on 1.25 pounds of bin candy... of the worst chocolate-covered variety, but two small handfuls into it, I ended up rushing to the bathroom and puking up whatever would come up until I was just dry heaving. And then I ran water into the remaining 1+ pound of candy before tossing it in the trash.

I am happy and annoyed by this. ~$6 lost to bulimia. :(

But to be honest, I always thought I would be saving money with an eating disorder, but I'm not. When restricting, I go for the more expensive low cal foods, which tend to give you a lower quantity, as well. These foods then sit in my cabinets or fridge until they expire because I can't decide whether or not they are "worth" it, or because I'm in b&p mode. B&P mode is clearly a waste of money and food, without an explanation.

The numbers on the scale don't have faces to them anymore. I can lose and not notice it in the mirror. I can have my new pants hanging rather loosely after buying them a bit tighter and not notice it in the mirror. My only comfort is blindly running my fingers along all these bony protrusions.
04 December 2007 @ 11:56 am
I lied to you all those times that you asked if I was anorexic/bulimic.
I assessed you when we watched an eating disorder documentary together.
You failed. You can't understand. And I laughed right alongside with you.
You encourage me to keep my secret. Thank you.
24 November 2007 @ 09:00 pm
Same old shit when I'm at home. Puking twice a day for 3-4 days after "normal" amounts of food. No binging. At all. Just couldn't keep the food down. My mind was racing while I was chewing, debating whether or not to chew and spit or to purge it.

But hey, I'm down to 122 lbs.